Who am I now?

Back during the high school interviews when everyone had continuously plagued me with “Why did you take business?”, my head went blank each time. Being honest with your feelings is considered crap when you are applying for the only school you think you can survive in while dealing with nasty feelings that are webbing around your head, corroding it. So I chose the easy answer that everyone wanted to hear “I want to explore the field because I am deeply invested in …” and more crap that seemed to be flowing out of my mouth in buckets.

Well of course I couldn’t have said “Because your school doesn’t allow any English major at this level? Because there is absolutely no possible combination of subjects offered by the education system that fits into what I want to do!” And what I wanted to do was read through tons of books and maintain a library maybe, work at a coffee house and paint something on the streets. But these jobs don’t ‘pay well’, do they? And yet I wonder, sitting in my depressing dorm room, doing a project report that’s due in 3 days and the one I so badly want to throw in the R-bin, why do we have to make it big? Why does the tip of my pen quiver and my hands shake when I suddenly get this idea that “What if they don’t like it?” Why does the idea of failure scares me so much that I can’t even more past the start line?

It’s scary, not knowing what you want. And it’s scarier, knowing what you want but having no courage to go after it even when you are living the regret every day. I wonder who was she… I wonder where did she go.. I admire her.. I miss her, even when what I have now, what I am now might have been everything she would’ve ever wanted. But she had something that’s long dead in me – the courage to dream.